


Harry Potter and Both Sides

by Aszecsei



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, i think the only person OOC is Dumbledore, which is actually a bit frightening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27514438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aszecsei/pseuds/Aszecsei
Summary: Harry Potter discovers that Hogwarts may not be the best environment for his more liberal ideas and opinions.Lots of references to real-world politics. Avoid reading this fic if that's upsetting to you.
Kudos: 7





	Harry Potter and Both Sides

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very sorry. That is all.

“I’m going to torture and kill you,” Draco Malfoy said, conversationally. “And all your friends, and family, and loved ones. You’ll all die screaming.”

Harry punched him in the face.

“Detention, Mr. Potter!” said Snape, a horrific smile threatening to crack his face in two.

“Violence is never the answer,” Dumbledore agreed.

“Malfoy threatened to kill me and everyone I love,” Harry said, confused. “Doesn’t that warrant some sort of response?”

“Young Draco must be allowed to voice his perspective,” Dumbledore said. “Truly, he is brave for putting forth his perspective for debate in the marketplace of ideas. One hundred points to Slytherin.”

“Your petty attempts at censorship are nothing more than a front for your irrationality, as befitting a pathetic half-blood like yourself,” Draco said triumphantly through his bleeding nose. “Truly, Purebloods are the most rational witches and wizards.” He paused. “Oh yes, and your mother was a whore who deserved what she got.”

Hermione smiled beatifically next to Harry. “I’m going to conjure a few tons of petrol in the Slytherin dormitories while you sleep,” she said, “and then light a match.”

“Detention for a month,” Snape said.

“Quite right,” Dumbledore said. “Such violent hate speech is entirely inappropriate.”

“So much for the tolerant mudbloods,” Draco said, shaking his head sadly. “It’s people like you that radicalize people like me.”

“So brave,” Dumbledore said, going misty-eyed. “Draco, you can be our school’s new prefect.” He handed over a badge, and Draco pinned it to his robes. He then punched Harry in the face.

“What punishment does that warrant?” asked Harry, shaking off the sting.

“He was afraid for his safety,” Snape sneered.

“Draco, I’m afraid I must chastise you,” Dumbledore said. “Attacking a student like that is wrong. You may continue your new prefect duties, of course, but please be more careful.”

“Shouldn’t he get detention?” Harry asked. “Or at least have his prefect status revoked?”

“Harry, Harry, Harry,” Dumbledore shook his head. “Draco is a fine young man. Revoking his badge would only harm his future, and no one wants that.”

“I do,” Hermione said under her breath.

“Besides,” Snape said, “Draco is a prefect. He would never attack someone without a good reason.”

“This is true,” Dumbledore said. “Prefects uphold the rules here, after all. If you don’t give them cause to attack you, you have nothing to worry about.”

“Did we not just see Malfoy attack Harry for no reason?” Hermione asked, wondering if she’d somehow begun hallucinating.

“This division only helps Voldemort,” Dumbledore ignored her. “We must unify our school to fight the forces of evil. Which are exclusively outside the school, of course.”

“So if we’re unifying the school, we should have some protections against hate speech on the basis of blood status, right?” Harry asked.

“My dear boy, the Purebloods would never allow that. No, no, compromise must come from within.”

“So what you’re saying is that bigots should be allowed to do whatever they want, and their victims should just what, suck it up?”

“If you don’t like it, go to another school, Potter,” Snape said.

“There are no other magical schools in Britain!”

“That’s not my problem,” Snape shrugged.

“Okay, fuck this,” said Colin Creevey, standing up and casting a _reducto_ at the Slytherin table. Within moments, spells were flying, chairs and tables were exploding, and the younger students ran from the hall in terror. Draco transformed into his lobster animagus form and began snapping at other students’ ankles.

Dumbledore waved a wand and froze everyone in the vicinity. “Ten thousand points from Gryffindor for starting a riot,” he said. “And detention for everyone involved.”

“We’re fighting for justice!” Colin protested.

“If you had actual complaints, you could have protested in a non-disruptive, non-violent fashion,” Dumbledore said. “Fighting like this is absolutely inexcusable.”

“We _have_ been protesting like that,” Harry pointed out. “You banned the Gryffindor quidditch team because we took a knee before the match against Slytherin.”

“A disgusting display of poor sportsmanship,” Snape said.

“Indeed,” Dumbledore agreed. He turned away from the students and returned to the staff table. “Do you sometimes think Hogwarts is getting too political?”

“All the time,” Snape said.


End file.
